Living with Regret
I have many regrets in my life. They range from the superficial (e.g., “I knew I shouldn’t have worn this today”), to the pragmatic (e.g., “If only I studied harder”), to the solemn (e.g., “I treated them poorly”). While harboring regrets is not uncommon, if their consequences or recollections are frequent (e.g., the sudden and dramatic series of thoughts that prevent a restful sleep or the debilitating cringe materializing from a past action), then it may be worthwhile to seek approaches to alleviate them.
The undeniable truth is that the past is the past, and it cannot be changed…a very realistic goal though, is to rework on how the past affects current situations. For example, accepting the inalterable past, learning from them, reflecting about your self, and inviting self-forgiveness can do wonders. All of these actions involve actually processing the regret, rather than stifling that oh-so-uncomfortable sensation. Regretful sentiments can be difficult to endure, so your mind and body may actively seek substitutions to quell that uneasiness (e.g., drinking or taking substances to forget, inviting extremist or subversive behaviors to mask the past, or self-harming). Of course, the opposite is also true, and constantly wallowing in the discomfort or incessantly seeking repentance can prove quite harmful (e.g., frequently martyring or victimizing yourself).
A somewhat recent regret that I harbored involved my cat, who passed away just before his 18th birthday (this was in 2022). Essentially, I felt that I did not spend enough quality time with him in his last few months, which I know is a common regret among pet parents. However, I felt that I was actually too dismissive of him, and when I saw him motionless, I was crushed, not only because of his passing, but because of my self-assured delusion of his omnipresence. Then, the regret hit me like a spinning roundhouse kick to the chest. I attempted to seek relief utilizing a few of the aforementioned stimuli replacements, and that lowered the quality of my school work and damaged my relationship with others. Obviously, I was also dealing with grief, but in hindsight, my stubbornness kept me in this destructive regretful mindset for a lengthy time. I was lucky enough to have a partner who was patient and empathetic (though admittedly, I did not make it easy), and I eventually acknowledged my tendency to rely on easy, but maladaptive comforts and my reactive nature, especially when consumed by pressure. Admitting and recognizing these patterns helped me to become more aware of them and regulate myself better.
Hopefully, my personal cat example can be analogized to many other situations, including regrets from actions that have resulted in significant mental or physical anguish. As I mentioned earlier, there are many other regrets I have experienced, and truthfully, I still occasionally battle with them. But it is important, and hopefully empowering, to know that regrets often need ample time for processing, and some do not need to be resolved immediately (or ever).